#1: CAUTION: SLIPPERY WHEN WET

I think it’s wonderful that you worked up a sweat and I applaud you for burning all of those calories. Congratulations, you deserve a cookie! But first, clean up your puddle of perspiration. Wiping down a machine after use should be second nature—like wiping your tushy after going number two. People remember these types of things.

#2: PLEASE RETURN WEIGHTS TO THEIR PROPER PLACE

If you workout at a gym with a dumbbell rack, it’s almost universal that the weights are placed in ascending order (that means from lowest to highest). I understand that some people are mathematically challenged—I still have a hard time solving algebra equations—but always try and put the weights back in the proper order.

Also, if you load a bar with weight plates, remove them and put them back when finished. We all go to the gym to get in shape but not everyone can or enjoys including the removal of a weights from a loaded bar, which some self-aggrandizing ignoramus left, as part of their workout.

#3: REMINDER: HEAVY WEIGHTS ARE HEAVY!

Typically, most gyms have a dumbbell rack with the weights placed in ascending order (again, this means from lowest to highest). Gyms can get crowded and it may be hard to find unobstructed space; understandable. But, always keep in mind that heavy weights are heavy. If you decide to workout with light weights in an area where the heavier weights reside, don’t be surprised by the menacing looks of the juggernaut as he or she picks up the cumbersome load and has to now walk to other end of the spectrum and back.

#4: YOU’RE NOT FULLY CLEAN UNLESS YOU’RE ZEST FULLY

Exercise requires breathing. The more intense the exercise, the more important breathing becomes. Having to share exercise space with a mephitic individual can be ruinous to a workout. In consideration of others, bromhidrosis (body odor), an overabundance of fragrance and/or malodorous flatulence are all things which can and should be taken care of prior to going to the gym. Flatulence during abdominal exercise is actually quite common. The loud, triumphant toots are usually comical; the silent but deadly ones can be disastrous to all within a 5 mile radius. Choose wisely!

#5: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

If you’re trying to draw attention to your masculinity by yelling, grunting, screaming and slamming weights down on the floor, the only thing people will notice is that you’re an idiot. You don’t need to advertise how much weight you can lift; anyone who gives a shit will already be watching while other spectators are hoping to see you develop a painful hernia…or at the very least, watch you crap your pants.

#6: SHARING IS CARING

An all-too-often conversation goes like this:

Inconsiderate Douche:
“Sorry, I’m on that.”

Me:
“But aren’t you also on the cable machine, the squat rack, ab bench, dip station and the rowing machine all the way in the back of the gym?

Inconsiderate Douche:
“Yeah, I’m circuit training.”

Me:
“You’re being an inconsiderate douche.”

Inconsiderate Douche:
“It’s cool, man, you can work in.”

There’s nothing more aggravating than someone who says that they’re on every machine, every bench and using every weight. Actually, the person who accumulates bars, benches, weights, swiss and medicine balls like some squirrel and takes up an entire area for their workout.

#7: FRIENDLY FRANK

At every gym, there’s always one person who thinks the place is a social club. You avoid them like the plague but no matter where you hide, they find you.

Are you one of these chatty people? Let’s find out:

You’d like to say hello to someone who is on a treadmill, running at a decent pace. Which of the following is the best way to acknowledge them:

A. Give a friendly wave.
B. “Accidentally” trip over the power cord connected to the treadmill.
C. Interrupt their workout by making them slow down or come to a complete stop.

If you guessed A, you’re right. You have proper gym etiquette!

When I have headphones on, I can’t hear what anyone is saying. Assume other people are like me and have the common courtesy to wait until they are finished lifting. It’s incredibly irritating to have to break out of my zone to listen to you complain about your job (or lack of one). Stop talking and exercise—it’ll get your mind off everything that’s bothering you!

#8: MOVE IT OR LOSE IT

We’re not all endurance athletes. Rest between sets is not only necessary, it’s beneficial. However, if you’re resting on a bench or piece of equipment longer than five minutes, people might start to think you’re waiting for a bedtime story.

Some people are non-confrontational and will politely wait until you finish reading your book, newspaper, magazine or end your phone conversation. Rude people never realize that they’re being rude and polite people are often too nice to let them know.

#9: GETTING TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT

Treadmills, ellipticals, stair machines—-they’re like urinals. See, us men have a code of conduct when it comes to using restrooms; it’s an unwritten law which states that no man is to use a urinal next to another man using a urinal if other urinals are available.

As an example, imagine a row of six treadmills and at the very end, a woman, we’ll call her Beatrice, is running. Now, a man, we’ll call him Lewis, walks in. Even though there are 5 other treadmills available, Lewis decides to hop on the treadmill right next to Beatrice. Don’t be a Lewis.

#10: THE CONTAMINATOR

I never like to refer to gyms as “health clubs” because let’s be honest, every gym is like a giant petri dish containing strains of who-knows-what. If you’re not feeling well, the best thing you can do is give your body some rest. Inside a gym, coughing and sneezing is the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. I’m not one to hold a grudge but selfish people, who contaminate the gym with their strain of the rhinovirus, will be permanently placed on my shit list.